Love Letters and Hate Mail
by Solanum Dulcamara
Summary: Love and betrayal are archived in a set of letters that are sent between 4 of the pilots. Shonen ai.
1. Exploration B

Disclaimer:  I don't own GW, etc… I don't own "Exploration B" by Poe etc… not making money etc…

Warnings:  drama/angst… shonen ai… songfic… more angst…

A/N:  An entire series of songfic letters will follow this phone message.  The letters tell the story for themselves.  A few of the lyrics have been changed for story purposes.  Let me know what you think.

_blah_ = lyrics

Exploration B

By Solanum Dulcamara

(Telephone ringing)  Hello.  Nobody's home.  Leave a message after the beep and somebody will get back to you.

Hello… Trowa?  This'll be quick.

_I thought you should know Quatre died today._

I just wanted to say how I felt.  I thought I should tell you that I died tonight.

_He closed his eyes and left here at __12:03___

When Duo showed up at my door, I knew that all of my worst nightmares had finally come true.  I knew and it was painful… not the death of a war hero nor the peaceful passing that people hope for.

_He sends his love_

I never got the chance to tell you that I love you.  But I can't love you the way you need to be loved.

_He wanted you to know he's not holding a grudge,_

And I knew that I could never hold you and I wouldn't be in your hopes and dreams.  I always knew, but I finally saw the truth materializing and I was shattered by gut-wrenching heartache.  But I should have seen it coming.  I should've been prepared.

_And if you are you should let go._

You can go into the world with a clear conscience.

_Are you there?_

Are you already gone?

_Trowa?  Pick up…_

No… don't…  Just… enjoy the world, you deserve it.


	2. Famous Green Tanktop

Warnings: songfic, shonen ai, extremely mild language, angst, angst, angst

Disclaimers: I don't own Gundam Wing, but I wish I did. It's just so fun to mess with their little lives!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I also have no rights to "Famous Blue Raincoat" by Leonard Cohen.

A/N: This is the letterfic that started them all.  It will clarify the frantic phone message from Quatre in the last fic.

_blah_= lyrics

Famous Green Tank Top

By Solanum Dulcamara

Heero,

I'm not really sure why I'm writing. I guess I kinda just needed to talk to you. How've you been? I can say I've had better days.

_It's four in the morning_

_The end of December._

_I'm writing you now _

_Just to see if you're better._

_New York is cold, But I like where I'm living._

_There's music on __Clinton Street___

_All through the evening._

Oddly enough, I don't lead a glamorous life. In fact, I don't even live a wealthy life. Surprising, isn't it? But some how I'm satisfied with my simple apartment and view of the skyline. It's too bad all things can't be so simple.

_I hear that you're building _

_your house_

_deep in the desert._

_Are you living for nothing now?_

_Hope you're keeping some kind of record._

So, I heard that you're "learning to live." Must be nice. How do I know, you might ask. Well, you above all people should know that there are few secrets that can be kept from us pilots. Especially those regarding locations. Well, I'm just surviving; getting by in day to day life. Is getting out into the world on your own, everything you expected it to be? I hope so. Otherwise, everything was such a waste.

_And Duo came by _

_with a lock of your hair._

_He said that you gave it to him,_

_That night that you planned to go free._

_Did you ever go free?_

Why did you fill him with all of those false hopes and impossible dreams? Why did you pick him up only to let him down? Didn't you have any feelings for him at all? And if you didn't, why did you pretend to? Do you know how hard it was for me to clean up the mess that you made? When he came to see me that night and told me that you gave him that hair to remember you while you were away, I was the one who had to tell him that "while you were away" meant forever. You left that part out didn't you. He thought a mission or something, doesn't matter that the war is over, because you would never leave him without telling him, right? Wrong! He couldn't have been more wrong. I was the one who held him while he cried. Held him while he clutched onto that bit of hair, chanting your name over and over, as if it were a spell that would cause you to rematerialize. But you would no more come back than he would stop loving you. But I guess that you weren't exactly having the best time either.

_Oh, the last time I saw you,_

_You looked so much older._

_Your famous green tank top_

_Was torn at the shoulder._

_You'd been to the station _

_To meet every train,_

_But he never showed up,_

_I mean Trowa Barton._

And who did you come to at four A.M., when you needed an ear to listen and a shoulder to lean on? Who was there for you when Trowa didn't come, even while your "boyfriend" was asleep in my bed after crying himself tearless? I kept thinking, "You should've known he wouldn't come and you shouldn't have lost control of your emotions." But I had no words of comfort for you. I didn't want to give you any. So, I just sat stupidly, while you related the evening to me. But you should've been more careful.

_So you treated some woman_

_To a flake of your life,_

_And when she got home,_

_She was nobody's wife._

You hurt Relena, you know? She really did care about you. And I'd be willing to wager that she still does. I mean, she obviously cared about you, if she let you take advantage of her like that. Have you picked up a paper recently? Read the part about the world's foremost pacifist diplomat becoming the world's newest teenage mommy? And what does that make you? Her name is Hikari. I'm sure you already know that it means light. She calls your child, your creation, a light of hope in a dark world. If that doesn't show how much respect Relena still has for you, I don't know what does. And even though she's lost credibility with many of her elder ambassadors and government officials, she never lets anyone speak poorly of "the man who abandoned her and her child." She has shown so much strength, when all you did was run away. When did you become so reckless?

_I see you there with a rose in your teeth._

_One more thin gypsy thief._

_Well, I see Duo's awake._

_He sends his regards._

You might say that you robbed Duo of his joy. He'd not nearly as happy and carefree as he used to be. I think it would have been easier on everyone if you had just been honest. I didn't want him to see me writing to you, but he's taking it surprisingly well. Those once vibrant violet eyes are now dull, sunken in, and red-rimmed. Dammit! He's been crying again. I thought he was asleep in his room. I've tried everything to cheer him up, but all of this has been hard on me too.

_And what can I tell ya?_

_Oh what can I tell ya?_

_What can I possibly say?_

_I guess that I miss you, _

_I guess I forgive you,_

_I'm glad that you stood in my way._

_And if you ever come by here,_

_Be it for Duo_

_Or for me,_

_I want you to know _

_Your enemy is sleeping._

_I want you to know _

_Your man is free._

You knew about my feelings for Trowa, but you went ahead and did your thing anyway. Impressive to break both my heart and Duo's in one single action. . . that happened on several occasions. And if you think I didn't know every single time, you are so wrong. I guess that's the drawback to working with an empath. It was probably for the best though, because he didn't think of me that way. In reality, you saved me from serious rejection. Do you want to know where Trowa was that night, and why he never came? He found out about Duo, but he wasn't jealous or angry. He felt guilty. Don't ask me how he found out, I'm not even going to pretend that I know. And don't you dare think that I told him because you know that it's beyond me to betray someone's confidence. Whether I like it or not. All I know is that he called me from your apartment. He had apparently been looking for Duo, and when the he wasn't there, Trowa wisely phoned me. He wanted to come over and apologize to us, before he started a new life.

_And thanks for the trouble_

_You took from his eyes._

_I thought it was there for good_

_So I never really tried._

He seemed so alive when he came to see us. I've never seen those emerald eyes sparkle so much. He told us that he'd learned how to live and how to love. And he said that he was sorry that we were the victims of his "lesson in life." He also told me to tell you that he was sorry. He'd learned how to live, but he had to learn who he was, so he needed some time alone. And like you, he didn't want any painful good-byes. I'm sure he'll look you up when he's ready. As he dashed off to "become an individual," I realized that I could never have made him feel that free. God, was I glad that Duo was there to be my stronghold.

_And Duo came by_

_With a lock of your hair._

_He said that you gave it to him,_

_That night that you planned to go free._

I guess I never realized what an important friend he is. I think all of us have taken him for granted. All that he ever tried to do was make us happy. A smile means more to him than anything else in the world, and I want to give him that much needed smile. Well, we talked after Trowa left, and before you arrived, and he wasn't ready to live alone, and I was tired of it, so he moved in two days later. Your apartment is pretty much deserted now. But things have worked out. He listens to my ranting after a hard day at work, and I'm there for comfort and support when he needs to cry. It's actually an extremely comfortable living arrangement. He's my best friend and now both of us have someone that we can depend on. It's the first time anyone has ever taken care of me, of his own free will. The other night when we were talking about stuff, you came up in conversation, as you often do, and I decided that I needed some closure on all of this soap opera crap. There aren't any hard feelings, and I don't expect you to write me back. I just had to get some things off of my chest and I thought you might like to know exactly what's been going on. I honestly do wish you the best.

_Sincerely,_

_A Friend_

Quatre


	3. Saving Grace 1

Disclaimers:  I don't own GW or "Saving Grace" by the Cranberries.

Warnings:  songfic, shonen ai, Trowa avoiding commitment… mild angst

A/N:  Saving Grace is broken up into three postcard sized letters. 

_blah_ = lyrics

Saving Grace- Postcard 1

By Solanum Dulcamara

Heero-

Paris is beautiful- it's the city of lights-

_It could happen here today_

Today I drew le Tour Eiffle and l'Arc de Triomphe- & I've been studying at le Louvre and la Musee d'Art Moderne- I want to check out Versailles before I go-

_It could happen here today_

I'm not sure where I'm going next- I suppose I'll just hop a train or something- I don't know-

I know I've been gone awhile- I just have to see things- That sounds lame- I don't know how to explain it better than that-

_And I can't wait to see your face_

_No I can't wait to see your face_

You asked if I was running away from you- I'm not- really I'm running to you in my own way-

_Can you hold me while I take hold of myself_

I miss you- Wait for me-__

_Can you hold me while I take hold of myself_

Trowa


	4. Saving Grace 2

Disclaimers:  I don't own GW.  I don't own Saving Grace.  I make no money off of my scribbles.

Warnings:  Trowa in denial… shonen ai… slight angst… songfic

A/N:  second installment of Trowa's postcard letters.  Enjoy.

_blah_ = lyrics

Saving Grace:  Postcard 2

By Solanum Dulcamara

Heero-

Have you ever tried couscous-  the texture talkes a little getting used to but other than that it's great-

_You're the little thing, my saving grace_

I've ended up in Istanbul- never imagined going to Turkey- but the architecture is amazing- I could wander around with my sketchbook for hours- A woman is dancing on the veranda- it's fascinating-

Sorry it's been awhile since my last letter- Thanks for writing me- I must be hard to track down

_You're just the little thing, my saving grace._

Arizona- never pictured you there- Have you settled into a job- Sorry this is so mundane

_It could happen here today_

_It could happen here today_

I'm trying to hurry- it just takes time-

_You are my saving grace_

Please keep being my support-

_You are my saving grace_

Trowa


	5. Saving Grace 3

Disclaimers:  I don't own the anime.  I don't own the song… blah… blah… blah…

Warnings:  Trowa in denial some more… songfic…shonen ai… angst…

A/N:  This is the last of the postcard segment.  It's been fun. 

_blah_ = lyrics

Saving Grace:  postcard 3

By Solanum Dulcamara

Heero-

Moscow in the Winter is cold- I miss you- the cold suits me-

_Will you be strong while I take hold of myself_

The food is unusual-the people even more so- but everywhere I go I sense a deep history around me- I feel like an alien-

_Will you be strong while I take hold of myself_

I haven't drawn much lately- but what about you- you've gone into law enforcement-somehow that'll suit you

_It could happen here today_

_It could happen here today_

You're letters haven't come as frequently as they used to- It's my fault and I know it- I shouldn't have left- I should've kept in touch more- I'm sorry if I've hurt you-

_You are my saving grace_

You've been so stoic- I'm doing things the only way I know how- I know you understand- you have to understand-

_You are my saving grace._

It's been lonely lately-

Write more-

Trowa


	6. Hello

Standard Disclaimers: Not mine, etc. belongs to Evanescence.  
  
Warnings: Dark, suicide attempt, language, potentially confusing, Duo POV, songfic  
  
A/N: I hope this is disturbing or depressing or both. A reference to this piece will be made in Duo's next letter. This chapter leaves the standard letter format and is accompanied by thoughts and descriptions as follows.  
(blah): descriptions _  
[blah]:_ lyrics  
blah: the actual writing on the letter  
_blah: _Duo's detached thoughts

Hello  
by Solanum Dulcamara

(Light from a forgotten television spreads a flickering gray-clue haze on an empty living room. The unheard noises meld into a mute static of scripts, sound effects, and canned laughter.)  
  
_[Playground school beel rings]  
  
_(A phone rings, ignored. Street light and neon filter through blinds in the second room on the right down the hall.)  
  
Hello... no one will answer. I have no one. No one will read this. If no one reads this it is nothing, and if I am not acknowledged. I am nothing.  
  
_Misery, misery, more pitiful misery...  
  
[Rain clouds come to play again.]  
  
_I just need.. need to say I feel like shit and I hate it and I hate life. No one listens. It's because I'm dead. I died over a year ago.  
  
_Death is just another phase of existence. Accept it. Embrace it.  
  
[Has no one told you she's not breathing.]  
  
_I'm lost.  
  
_But I thought you were dead.  
  
_I need someone.  
  
_[Hello]  
  
I am your someone. You are your someone... all you have left... all I have left...  
  
_I'm cold, so cold and lonely. The house is dark and lonely. My mind is dark and lonely.  
  
_[Hello]  
  
_I'm so tired... tired of pretending... tired of trying.  
  
_It's alright. You won't have to be tired anymore.  
  
_The words blur in dark spots on the page... my fault... my fault. My arms are leaking.  
  
_I think it's perfect. Let it happen.  
  
_(Persistant phone ringing crawls through the hall and echos in the room.)  
  
Someone? Somewhere? I don't remember where I'm supposed to be?  
  
_You don't belong anywhere. You should be here. They'll just hurt you. they don't want you.  
  
_I don't belong. I have no place.  
  
_Your tears don't belong in a world of fake smiles.  
  
[Don't try to fix me]  
_  
_You are perfect. Stay this way.  
  
[I'm not broken]  
  
_My body is heavy. it hurts. Help me.   
  
_[Hello]  
  
Shh. I've taken care of everything. Soon the pain will pass. All things are transient. Especially you.  
  
[I'm the lie living for you   
so you can hide]  
  
_My face is wet like my arms. Salty, it's salty. It burns. My arms burn. My chest burns. Like when I died.  
  
_Death isn't bad... It's a means to an end, really.  
  
[Don't cry]  
  
_I'm dying.  
  
_[Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping.]  
  
_I haven't said goodbye.  
  
_Goodbye.  
  
_Help me.  
  
_[Hello]  
  
This is what we wanted. I did help.  
  
_(A body drags across the floor, clutching a crumpled paper in one hand, leaving dark trails in the carpet. It collapses in front of a partially open bathroom door. The soft hum of the air vent serenades the fallen figure. Shards of glass littler the counter top, sink , and floor; a thousand tiny mirrors reflecting the limp form, amongst a collection of dark splotches on carpet, wall, and tile.)  
  
_They all left. They left me because I wasn't worth being with. I am nothing.  
  
But I'm not ready to die.  
  
[I'm still here]  
  
Yes, I am. I have nothing and I am nothing.  
  
[all that's left of yesterday]  
_(A girl enters the dark living room. Hello?') 


	7. Home to Stay

Disclaimers:  I don't own GW, duh.  I also don't own "Home to Stay" by Amy Gillies and Josh Groban.

Warnings:  songfic… shonen ai… Heero detachment syndrome

A/N:  I had a lot of fun writing this letter and trying to get a correctly detached tone to the writing.  I hope I did.  It's not that Heero doesn't have feelings (obviously) he just has trouble expressing them and tends to be rather matter-of-fact.

_blah_ = lyrics

Home to Stay

By Solanum Dulcamara

Trowa:

I cannot ignore facts, nor can I alter reality.  You are gone.  Whether or not it's painful is irrelevant.  The possibility of your return has yet to be determined. The nature of you journey is self-discovery and the mission status is questionable.  I understand.  I find myself in a similar situation.

_I know you're gone   
I watched you leave   
I always thought   
That it was me   
You made it clear   
With that last kiss   
You couldn't live a life   
With maybes and whatifs_

            Deserts span beyond comprehension.  I can sit outside and watch the sun melt into the horizon.  I wonder how it compares with all of the sights you are taking in.  As I previously informed you, my experiments with normalcy lead me to the western United States.  I have learned about mundane travel, keeping a regular job, and simple daily activities, such as paying bills.  This is the definition of life in the modern era.  Yet, I in my ignorance am able to recognize that I am not living and will not be until you return.

_When every boat   
Has sailed away   
And every path   
Is marked and paved   
When every road   
Has had its say   
Then I'll be bringing you back   
Home to stay_

            You have become quite the scholar/ globe-trotter.  I was not aware of your architectural interests.  Your descriptions are interesting and would probably enthrall a more artistic man.  Most of the buildings in Tempe are late AD twentieth century replicas with imitation 1500s Spanish thigh tiles for roofing.  Not much for creativity, but it is somewhat comfortable.

_I have the cards you sent to me   
You wrote of trains and Paris galleries   
This spring you'll draw   
Canals, and frescoed walls   
Look how far your dreaming's gone_

            I remember Europe from the war.  Quatre and I were there for a descent amount of time.  It was all very quaint at first, but I grew bored quickly.  I can only hope that you will feel the same.  Then again, I am not the artistic one.

_When every town looks just the same   
When every choice gets hard to make   
When every map is put away   
Then I'll be bringing you back   
Home to stay_

            I was hurt when you were rather suddenly gone.  I know we had discussed getting to know ourselves better, but I had always assumed we would do it together.  But now I understand.  We had to build individual identities before we could build anything together.  But I would have gladly gone with you.

_And now I know why you had to go alone   
Isn't there a place between_

            The world may have you now, but there will be a day when you will be mine.  You will have traveled the globe and conquered space; studying, romanticizing, sketching, poeticizing.  Your grand adventures will have been spent, but I will be waiting with one more:  turning a house into a home.

_When every boat   
Has sailed away   
And every path   
Is marked and paved   
When every road   
Has had its say   
Then I'll be bringing you back   
Home to stay_

            I know that, despite press titles, I am far from perfect.  I am not terribly romantic and I have a tendency to be blunt and curt.  I do not have much to offer, but I will give all that I have to you.

_Reach out to me_

_Call out my name_

_And I would bring you back again today_

            I'm not nearly as exciting as the Vatican or Tajmahal.  I do not have Doric columns or gothic spires.  But I do have arms waiting to hold you and a heart waiting to love you.  They are not good for sketching or studying, but they are yours, as am I.

With love and sincerity,

Heero


	8. Only An Ocean Away

Disclaimers: Gundam Wing is not mine. I'm only borrowing it. I don't own Sarah Brightman's "Only an Ocean Away" either.

Warnings: songfic... drama/angst... hints of shonen ai

A/N: It's nice to finally hear something from Duo. I identify with Duo the most out of any of the pilots, but this was a bitch to write. I had one version and ended up completely scrapping it. I hope you enjoy this one.

blah=lyrics

Only an Ocean Away

By Solanum Dulcamara

Quatre,

Hey! What's up: How's the L4 cluster? Floating comfortably I'd assume. Things could be better here on earth. I was surprised to find you in a little apartment. I'd expected you to move into one of your family's lush estates. I mean, I can't blame you. I'd get lost in one of those mansions. Our apartment is plenty big enough. In fact, it's seemed too big lately. By lately, I mean the past year. It's especially hue and lonely at night.

_I see a shadow every day and night._

I'm still not sleeping well. I miss when you'd let me crawl into your bed and talk till I fell asleep. Or when we'd rent a bunch of movies and stay up all night watching them. When I can't sleep... I usually go to your old room and sit where your bed used to be. And I talk to you, just like I used to. I know you're not there and you can't hear me. I'm not crazy... maybe. There are other nights that the apartment echoes with so much emptiness that I have to get out. I have to get away from the shadows. Don't freak out, I'm not reckless or anything. I just wander around... let myself get lost in the crowd.

_I walk a hundred streets of neon lights,_

I can already hear you telling me not to walk around New York alone at night. Thanks for giving a shit. Sorry. That sounded sarcastic, but it was meant to be sincere. I get scared in the apartment. It's not the shadows or the emptiness or the suffocating silence. It's me. I still break down... I cry alot. I don't always make good decisions when I get like that. So, it's actually safer to brave the muggers than be by myself.

_Only when I'm crying. Can you hear me crying. _

Truth? Things have gotten worse since you left. I suppose I'm doing alright… well, as alright as I can. So, what've you been up to for a year? You never write or call. I know you said you needed to move on with your life, but did that mean you had to move out?

_So many times you always wanted more,_

I know things were shitty and I know I'm not exactly easy to live with, but I really thought things worked out pretty well. Really though, I do hope that you left this all behind and it's all like a bad dream to you now.

_Chasing illusions that you're longing for._

If you have moved on, then I applaud you. I wish I could escape. I always feel trapped... Like I'm chained to the memories and the pain. I know I'll never let it go. It'll follow me always; my shadow.

_Wish I wasn't crying._

So, you're gone, but I still talk to you at night. And you haven't contacted me in almost a year, but I'm writing you a letter. I miss you. Did you really have to go? That's stupid. Nobody wants to spend their life baby sitting their imbalanced friend. I understand, but I still miss you.

_Can you hear me crying. _

I know you went to the colonies to get somewhere as far away as possible. There are less reminders and stuff. I used to obsess about the huge distance between us.

_There's an ocean between us. _

But I finally figured out that it doesn't matter if you're hundreds of thousands of miles away on L4 or an hour away in Newark. You're not here and you don't want to be here and I can't blame you. But I can wish you were here. And I can wish that you would write or call or something.

_You know where to find me._

I still have all the pictures up on the fridge and in my room... I like to look at them. I'm not trying to be all karmic or anything, but sometimes when I stare at them, it feels like I can channel your energy. Maybe it's your space heart thingie.

_You reach out and touch me. I feel you in my own heart._

But the feeling fades, as it always does and I'm left feeling more alone than ever. A year... you've been gone a year. It feels more like an eternity.

_More than a lifetime. Still goes on forever. _

The past two years have been harder than the war. I never knew living a "normal life" could be so difficult. Things were easier when you were here. But I'm not our responsibility, and I can take some amount of solace in imagining you in your new life.

_But it helps to remember you're only an ocean away._

Remember how I said things have gotten worse? Well that's a bit of a half truth, which is a lie, so... truth: things are really shitty. I ended up seeing that shrink you recommended. He put me o some lithium combo drug. The pills were horrible. They made me feel empty. I'd rather feel like shit than feel empty, at least then I'm feeling something.

_Was there a moment when I felt no pain. _

I'm kinda talking outta order. There's a reason I'm actually going to the therapist. I was supposed to go to work this one day... I don't know, maybe two months ago, but I guess I didn't show. I say "I guess" because I don't really remember. So they sent Jenna to pick me up... or at least find out what the hell was going on. So, I'm not sure what she found, but she got me to the hospital and I'm alive. There are a few stains in your carpet. Sorry about that. Anyway, to get released, I had to sign some paperwork saying I'd get therapy. If I stop going... they'll probably lock me up. Anyway, so now I visit the quack three times a week. He gives me prescriptions and I struggle between pain and apathy.

_I want to feel it in my life again. _

I want it to be over. I'm not one of those people who like to wallow in misery, but I can't seem to get out. It's like this dark cloud has descended upon my life. I don't want to feel like this. I want to remember what happiness is like.

_Let it be over now. Oh Oh over now. _

I spend an hour every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday talking about myself, my life, that kind of bullshit. He's like probing me. He tells me I should take time to "relive the memories" in order for them to heal properly. It's like scratching at sore scar tissue over and over again.

_'Cause I remember all the days and nights We used to walk the streets of neon lights_

Seriously, this guy knows more about me than Heero. Scary. The only person who probably knows more about me than the guy in the wing back with the yellow legal pad, is you. You're the one who took the time to learn.

_Oh I want you here with me. Oh be here with me. _

I go back to work tomorrow. I'm lucky to still have the job. It'll be open mic night. Maybe Jenna'll sing that song you like. I thought I might try painting again, too. Oh yeah, I haven't recovered full mobility in my right arm. I apparently damaged a tendon or something. I tried to call you... I couldn't get through. The time... the distance... the pain kinda makes our friendship seem like some faraway dream.

_There's an ocean between us. _

Anyway, you know where I live if you ever wanna get a hold of me, I mean I'm usually home... if I'm not wandering the streets without purpose.

_You know where to find me. _

So, I'm glad I wrote this. I just want you to know that I've been thinking about you. Not a day goes by that I don't think about you. Wow. Did that sound obsessive?! Part of me wants to hear from you and part of me is scared to. I do feel a little bit better writing to you, though.

_ You reach out and touch me. _

We're best friends, right? Nothing changes that kind of thing. I already carry one best friend in me. (1) Now I can add another.

_I feel you in my own heart._

And having said that, I really feel alot better. Not that I'm going to start calling myself "Trio" or anything. But the idea that no matter how far away you are physically, you're with me, in my heart... forever... well, it's a good feeling. I didn't remember what those were like.

_More than a lifetime Still goes on forever. But it helps to remember You're only an ocean away._

So, have you taken over the family business? Or are you becoming the earth sphere's greatest musician? Sometimes I forgo dreaming to think about your dreams and imagine you chasing them.

_So many times you always wanted more, Chasing illusions that you're longing for._

With what I told you, I can't pretend that I sleep alot anyway. And I'd much rather imagine you than succumb to my dreams... my nightmares... it's the shadows. Night time's the worst. Even with the lights on, everything is shadowed. I miss your light.

_Wish I wasn't crying. Can you hear me crying._

I wish I had someone to talk to. Trowa is hiding somewhere in the world. Heero is not an option. I'm not ready to talk to him yet. Wufei and Sally are too busy globe trotting for the Preventers. Hilde checks in on the vid screen every now and then. And you shut yourself away from me.

_There's an ocean between us._

So, if you ever do feel like talking... I mean... I miss you. I miss talking to you and sitting with you and seeing you and well everything about you. Like how you're notoriously messy with your clothes. I'll never forget the time I tripped over your coat in the middle of the night and almost killed myself. Well, if you ever do feel like talking, I'm right where you left me.

_You know where to find me._

In the meantime, I'm trying to get better... to get stronger. I'm looking for all those hidden parts in me. The ones you found. I don't know how, but you reached into the shadow and pulled out all that is good in me.

_Just reach out and touch me. I feel you in my own heart._

I know I'll never get enough of the way I feel when I'm with you. If I were ever beautiful, it was when I was with you. A year. It feels like forever, but I know it's not. Forever is waiting to happen and waiting for me to remember what life is like.

_More than a lifetime It seems like forever._

I know I'm not living right now. I remember what living is like. Two years ago, I thought I'd never live again. But you took me in. You took care of me. You helped me remember what life is like. I have alot of memories but those from the year we lived together are my most precious. I know I can't live in the past. You taught me that. But everything that happened is part of me and I have to get to know myself better. Hopes aside, I don't actually expect to hear back from you. That's okay. I'm happy to know that you've out there somewhere.

_But I'll always remember You're only an ocean away. Only an ocean away._

So, I miss you and I hope you're well and am wishing that all of your dreams have come true.

A hug and a kiss,

Duo

(1) A reference to Solo.


	9. My Confession

Disclaimer: GW is not mine... yadda... yadda. I also do not own "My Confession" which belongs to Josh Groban and Richard Page.

Warnings: songfic... shonen ai... sap

A/N: Trowa's turnaround. I think that all of you hopeless romantics will enjoy this.

blah= lyrics

My Confession

By Solanum Dulcamara

My Dearest Heero,

In truth I confess that I'm an idiot. I hid behind pretenses. I disappeared and buried myself in scholarship. I ran off to seek the treasures of the world and left the greatest of them all behind.

_I have been blind, unwilling _

_to see the true love you're giving _

_I have ignored every blessing _

_I'm on my knees, confessing _

I have toured worldly beauty, sketching art in Paris, attending the opera in Rome, observing historic scientific advancement in Berlin, studying philosophy in Greece, but none of it compares to the beauty of you.

_that I feel myself surrender _

_each time I see your face _

_I am staggered by your beauty, _

_your unassuming grace_

And after wandering through darkness, you are my light. Reading your last letter made my heart sing. I'd finally found what I'd been searching for: you.

_And I feel my heart is turning _

_falling into place _

_I can't hide it _

_Now here my confession_

I went on this superficial journey of self-discovery and do you know what I found? I am nothing without you. You have been my courage to start out, my strength to continue. You inspired me in art and warmed me in Russia. I can not find an individual identity. You are a part of me and I am identified through you. I finally see myself when I look in you eyes.

_I have been wrong about you _

_I thought I was strong without you_

Yet, I stubbornly persisted on this pilgrimage of sorts. How long has it been? A year? All I found was loneliness and a gnawing, aching need for you.

_For so long nothing could move me _

_For so long nothing could change me_

I came to Japan; Freudian... typical. But what I found startled me. Remember when you told me about the sakura? It didn't prepare me. They are marvelous, exquisite. I became a man obsessed. I sat for hours daily, sketching bloom after bloom. They are so much like you. Simple, elegant, beautiful. I would catch the falling blossoms carefully to hold them as I would your hand. I stood in a spray of snowing flowers and felt drowned in my love for you.

_Now I feel myself surrender _

_each time I see your face _

_I am staggered by you beauty _

_your unassuming grace _

_And I feel my heart is turning _

_falling into place_

_I can't hide it _

_Now hear my confession_

I searched to deepen my love of art and deepened my love for you. I sought out captivating literature and was captivated by your letters. I studied exotic architecture but am baffled by the simplicity of your love. And it all makes me ask why I left in the first place.

_You are the air that I breathe _

_You're the ground beneath my feet _

_When did I stop believing_

I have learned the seven wonders of the ancient world, the seven man made wonders of the world, and the seven wonders of the animal world, and can definitively say that you are more wonderful than all of them and it is time for you to bring me home to stay.

I love you,

Trowa


	10. Deliver Me

Disclaimers:  Don't own the Gundam boys and I have no money.  "Deliver Me" belongs to Jon and Helena Marsh and Sarah Brightman and producers and whatnot.

Warnings:  songfic, shonen ai, angst/drama

A/N:  Finally a word from Quatre again.  In the letter, an asterisk will mark the words burning doll.  This is a small homemade doll similar to a voodoo doll.  You write down regrets or grudges or anything negative that you want to let go of and you sow the paper into the doll.  Then you burn the doll, symbolic of you letting go and moving forward.  This is the final fic.  I hope that you have enjoyed this series.  Thank you to all who faithfully read.

_blah_ = lyrics

Deliver Me

By Solanum Dulcamara

Dear Duo,

Have you ever sat under a colony sky vainly wishing for rain in the controlled climate?  I have… everyday since I returned to space I've wished for the wild unpredictable weather of earth.  I know you don't really know if you believe in God, but have you ever thought that rain is God's tears? Have you ever wished God would cry for you?  I must sound crazy.

_Deliver me out of my sadness_

I got you letter about a month and a half ago.  I've needed time… I might still need time… Two years ago, everything in me died.  I woke up in an endless nightmare of betrayal.  Even though you were with me, I felt so alone.  I loved Trowa, but I hated him for not loving me.  I hated him because he disappeared into a maze of anonymous faces and left a mess for me to clean up… a mess that had little to do with me.   I hated Heero… for using Relena, for hurting you, for running away, and for loving Trowa.  I hated you.  I'm sorry, but I did.  You brought this mess right to my front door.  And you loved Heero, you let yourself wither in that one-sided love affair and all I could do was stand back and watch.  I hated it.  I hated everything.  But I mostly hated myself.

_Deliver me from all of this madness_

I had to let the pain die down.  I don't think it'll ever go away, but it's become dull, obtuse, simply part of the way I perceive life… it's very dark, Duo.

I'm sure yours is too.  We're both trapped in these self-imposed prisons.

You need to take better care of yourself.  I can't believe I just wrote that.  I abandoned you to run away and ripen my misery.  I'm a wreck.  If it weren't for family funds I'd probably be rotting in a street… or an asylum.  I can't hold a job.  I can't talk to my sisters.  Mostly, I just hide in my apartment willing the world outside to disappear.  I'm taking a lot of medications… you know, anti-depressants, chemical balancers, sleep aids… a week before I got you letter, I took a few too many doses.  Iria found me and induced vomiting.  She's finally relinquished her watch on me.  But I've been scared since then… scared of myself.  Like you.

_Deliver me courage to guide me_

I've wanted to talk to you… I was just afraid.  I don't know why or of what.  But I got your letter and I cried.  I haven't cried in two years.  I couldn't reach out to you, but you found me.  I need you right now.

_Deliver me strength from inside me_

The past year I've concentrated on the darkness, letting it consume me.  It's settled in and I've accepted it, but when I read you letter, I remembered so many things:  Laughter, silliness, worry, joy, tears, pain, love… I miss you.

_All of my life I've been in hiding.   
Wishing there was someone just like you.   
Now that you're here, now that I've found you,   
I know that you're the one to pull me through._

You wrote about how much I'd done for you, but you left out the things you did for me.  You taught me about how chocolate ice cream is the best cure for a bad mood.  You took the time to need me when no one else ever did.  You lived with me, learned about me, accepted me, irritated me, made me laugh.  You've given your time and dedication and emotion to me.

_Deliver me loving and caring_

When you first moved in you were scared to leave the house.  You learned to cook because you said you had to earn your keep.  Remember the burnt curry?  Our kitchen reeked for days.  Our kitchen…

I was surprised when you got the job at the coffee shop.  I had gotten pretty used to you being home all the time.  But I think the job suits you, and they give you a place to display your work.  You're still going to teach me to paint, right?

_Deliver me giving and sharing_

Yesterday, while I was wishing for rain, I thought about the time you made me dance in a storm.  You said it's better than a shower because it helps wash away the dirt you can't see.  I didn't understand at the time.

_Deliver me the cross that I'm bearing_

I know I ran away.  I was being selfish and I'm sorry.  The truth is that a year ago, I didn't really know what I wanted.

_All of my life I've been in hiding.   
Wishing there was someone just like you._

I thought that if I left, I could start over.  I thought I'd leave everything behind me:  the pain, the memories.  I was wrong.  The pain from two years ago has subsided, but I remember… I remember life with you and it hurts.  I miss you.

_   
Now that you're here, now that I've found you,   
I know that you're the one to pull me through._

Before I left, I thought I understood sorrow and loneliness.  I didn't understand emptiness until I came here.

_Deliver me_

Sometimes I wake up at night expecting to find that you've crawled into my bed.  Hoping to feel your comforting presence.

_Deliver me_

Wishing I could reach through the darkness and touch you.

_Deliver me_

I've spent a lot of time hurting.  I finally understand that it's time to heal.  And it took me awhile to recognize the best balm for my wounds:  you.

_All of my life I've been in hiding.   
Wishing there was someone just like you._

I thought I was broken, but now I want to be fixed, I want to be whole.  I need your help.  I need you.

_   
Now that you're here, now that I've found you,   
I know that you're the one to pull me through._

Remember the burning dolls Jenna told you about?  I think we should do that.

_Deliver me_

Part of me doesn't remember how to live.  I'm lost.  I figure that you're about the same.  Maybe we could find our way together.

_Deliver me_

I miss you and I need you.  I've fallen apart without you.

_Won't you deliver me_

I want to come home and I want to take care of you and if you'll let me, I want to love you… I do love you.  I'm coming home.

Affectionately Yours,

Quatre

P.S. You ARE beautiful.


End file.
